The Day I Finally Grew A Pair Of Cojones...

So after the eventful Valentine's Day that consisted of a three hour blow job - I completed the 10 day prescription of antibiotics to treat the bacterial overgrowth in my Duodenum.  As you can probably guess, there were no changes in any of my symptoms: severe stomach pain; bloating; harden abdomen; extreme exhaustion.  I called my Gastroenterologist and informed him that I had not felt any change since completing the medication.  He suggested I come in and see him for a follow up office visit. 

The following week I am meet with my Gastroenterologist.  I explain all of my symptoms again, emphasizing how even eating half of a sandwich results in looking as though I am 9 months pregnant.  Instantly, I could tell by the look on his face that he thought I was being dramatic and exaggerating.  He then looked at me and asked if I had ever had a colonoscopy.  My jaw dropped.  I looked at him and replied, "Yes, about three months ago."  He then asked, "Who did your colonoscopy?"  I looked at him in disbelief and replied, "You, did!"  Now, I have chosen to believe that he knew damn well he had already performed a colonoscopy on me, however, enjoyed my young firm ace so much he wanted a second chance at it.

After we both realized I had just been another patient being herd through like cattle for the last 6 months, and he had no idea what was causing these health issues, he went with his last resort to avoid saying he did not know what was going on.  Guess what his final response at that appointment was..."Well, I think this is all being caused by depression.  I think it is best if you return to your primary doctor and have him provide you with a prescription for anti depressants."

It was right then that I came to believe that just because I have a vagina and men have balls, DID NOT mean that I do not have bigger balls than they do!  I looked at him and responded, "So, basically, because I have spent the last 6 months having procedures performed, blood work done, waiting biopsy results, almost weekly, and you cannot figure out the problem, but unable to say that, so I am just depressed?"

 And that would be the last time that I would visit that Gastroenterologist.  

I returned to my Internal Medicine doctor and informed him of the ongoing problems I had been having, and lack of help the Gastroenterologist had been.  My internal medicine doctor (who was a blessing at the time), had me tested for Celiac Disease and Addison's Disease, both of which resulted in negative.  He was becoming baffled himself.  Only, he was definitely not afraid to say so, especially after seeing me gain 10 pounds in less than a week and the severe bloating.  

Now, naturally, I would never ever post a picture of myself that is actually fair game for a male to ask when my due date is.  However, in an effort to show how much I am not exaggerating, I decided to take one for the team and post a picture that shows just how distended my stomach becomes when I eat a "normal" meal.  And by normal, I mean a cheese enchilada or grilled cheese, something without all of the extra sides.  And as much as I want to Instagram the shit out of these photos, that would obviously defeat the purpose.  But do not let these pictures be a turnoff boys...I am completely content living off of liquids the rest of my life to keep a natural non baby making hot bod if need be.  At this point, food is no longer appealing to me anyway. 

It is easier to list the foods that I am UNABLE to eat and let you figure out what is left:

• Oats
• Wheat
• Seeds of any kind.
• Nuts
• Red Meat
• Processed food, obviously
• Fruits or vegetables with seeds
• Any seedless fruits or vegetables have to have the skin peeled off and be fully cooked prior to eating.

BEFORE EATING          AFTER EATING

It was after this my doctor decided that it was time to go to the Mayo Clinic where more testing was available.  And let me tell you...if you thought my previous procedures were interesting and intrusive, they do not even to begin to describe the two weeks of action I would receive!  But hey, my birthday was during those two weeks, so it was only fair to get some sort of action...