The Colonoscopy....What Seemed So Much Like My College Years

Each Sunday morning, I use to meet a group of women for breakfast. Yes, believe it or not, I am actually only 28 and was 27 at that time this part of the story occurred. This group of women and I would just sit, eat breakfast, and shoot the shit…literally! Somehow these, lets call them experienced…or seasoned, women would always end up directing the conversation to their bowel movements (actually the lack there of). It would drive me crazy! Contrary to this blog, I am actually a very private person. Being that I am a counselor, I am more than willing to talk about you all day. The moment the conversation is on me, I am out! I also tend to be a huge germaphobe. I do not particularly care to see, smell, hear, or taste a bodily function of any kind of anyone. You can imagine my disgust when they would bring up their bowel movements. I would always make fun of them and ask if they could refrain from talking about their bowels each time we got together.

Let me tell you – Karma is a biatch! It was not six weeks after this converstation with my "seasoned" friends the doctor had signed me up for a colonoscopy. I was devastated. Naturally, the ladies had a hay day with this.

After a few weeks of hearing the jokes, my day had come to prepare for the colonoscopy and drink the G.I. Hooch. It obviously is not really hooch, but I can not remember what the drink is called that they give you to clean out your system. I just figure G. I. Hooch is a rather fitting name being that it made everything come out of the bum the same way that regular Hooch makes everything come out of the stomach through projectile vomiting. It truly is some awful stuff! Anyone in your 20’s reading this, brace yourselves, it will be a miserable long night…as I am sure you have all experienced before – just a different type of miserable.

The next morning I woke up at the butt crack of dawn (sorry, I can’t help myself) with a colon and ass so clean you could have eaten off of it. That is neither a request or a challenge, and sorry for anyone that drew a mental picture.

So I was in the waiting room at the doctors office and I couldn't help but notice that everyone in there is about three times my age. I turned to my dad (he had been my ride) and suggested that everyone there probably thought I was actually his ride. There were a few shocked faces when the nurse called my name and I went through the door to The Land of The Ass Man (G.I. procedure room). This is where the whole situation starts to get a little hazy. I basically got hopped up (anesthesia), shit went down, and then I woke up hoping to never see any of those individuals again…..Basically, exactly like my college years.

After the colonoscopy they sent out a biopsy, which came back negative for cancer and a few other things. I can’t remember exactly what all it was sent out to test for. At that time they had diagnosed me with Diverticulosis. My non medical way of describing Diverticulosis, is this: Pockets begin to develop in the intestines, where food can get caught, which can result in infections in these pockets (Diverticulitis), and be very painful. To address this, they put me on a high fiber diet: red meat, nuts, oats, and wheat’s, all of the types of foods that are hard to digest but help push everything through the colon. This seemed pretty simple and easy to do. While I am not crazy about meat…let me be more specific…while I am not crazy about eating “animal meat”, I am a big fan of nuts, oats, and of course wheat.

Little did I know, this diet would be the trigger of many many many pregnancy tests…..