*This blog entry moves about as fast as a turtle. It is not quite as entertaining as the others. However, if you browse through these short paragraphs, I have included a video at the end that shows the one thing in life that turtles actually do as fast as men.*
April 11, 2012 (Wednesday)
10:50 am - MCB Laboratory
The following day, I arrived to the clinic bright and early to produce a cup of my golden flow. I will be honest, this was the one time I wish I was a male with two heads and one brain. It is seriously next to impossible for females to produce a golden flow into a small cup and have it land only in the cup. I mean, look at guys; they have a giant bowl to aim in with a small stream and still miss. Imagine being a female and having it is the complete opposite. **Random helpful hint to the ladies - If you are ever stranded in the woods, or intoxicated and need to "pop a squat", if you bend over and touch your toes, your urine will shoot straight back and the process will be as smooth as a Brazilian wax. After I managed to produce my golden flow without getting any on my hands (no, I did not bend over and touch my toes, obviously), they drew more blood from my arms, and then it was off to the next test.
12:15 pm - Cardiology Electrocardiogram
The
next procedure that was scheduled was a Cardiology Electrocardiogram.
This test was scheduled because of the chest pain I had reported having
for several months prior to being admitted to the Mayo Clinic. I had been
told by other physicians that it was just anxiety. However, I knew this
was not anxiety because I had experienced anxiety my entire life, and this was
far from the same. So the first thing I did was change into one of their
hot fancy gowns and began to walk down the hall to the room where the procedure
took place. I laid on the table and starred at the ceiling
while the lady completing the procedure played connect the dots as she stuck
the chest leads on my chest and then attached the cables. It was dead
silent this time - it just did not seem right to discuss strippers or any other
topic for that matter. Once I was hooked up correctly, the machine
recorded the electrical activity of my heart and the procedure was over faster
than a forty year old losing his virginity to one of Hugh Hefner's
girlfriends. Later that day the nurse did call stating that the results
came back with Non Specific Electrical Changes, and that I would need to pick
up a new itinerary with additional tests added to
my schedule to follow up on this.
2:00 pm - Pulmonary Procedure - Nitric Oxide
During the initial
physical, I reported a history of asthma since I was very young, and had begun
having difficulty with it again that past winter. This procedure was to
test if my airways were inflamed which is a sign of asthma. Let
me tell you...this procedure totally blew, literally. I was stuck in this
little plastic cylinder blowing another tube as hard as I could for as long as
the technician told me to. The entire time, I was longing for the day,
February 14th, which I was in between the elderly couple
while we were all blowing. On
the plus side, I can say with all my practice over the past year, my
blowing skills are certainly superb!
3:20 pm - Radiology Chest X-ray
I honestly do not
even remember this appointment However, in the report I
received from the Clinic, it reported that my lungs were clear and there were
no significant abnormalities. Moving on...
April 12, 2012 (Thursday)
2:00 pm - EEG (Electroencephalogram)
One of the symptoms
I had been experiencing throughout all of this is the feeling similar to a
seizure. Although my body did not appear
to move externally, it felt as though every vein and part of my body internally
was seizing. Even my eyes would begin to
feel as though they were shaking and I would be unable to visually focus on
objects or my surroundings in general. The preparation for this test was
not fun. I could not sleep more than 4 hours the night before, and my
appointment was not until 2:00 that afternoon. Normally, I would have
been able to handle this; however, I had already hit a level of exhaustion that
did not even compare to mono or anything else I have experienced. So when
I showed up for the appointment, they glued all of those little circles to my
head and connected the wires to them. Then I just had to sit there for a
couple of hours, part of the time awake and then asleep. The most
annoying part of the entire test was taking the circles off of my scalp and
trying to get the glue off. I felt like the technician was searching for
lice. That glue is hard to get off of your scalp and out of your
hair...especially when you were born with a natural afro. The result of
the EEG was normal with no epileptic activity seen.
April 13, 2012 (Friday)
10:00 am - Neurology Procedure -- ARS (Autonomic Reflex Study)
This test took
several hours. However, at this point I was so exhausted that I did not
much care. I was more than willing to lay on the bed/table and let them
have their way with me, which is what they had to do. The first part of
this test is what is called the, Quantitative Sudomotor Axon Reflex Test
(QSART). This test evaluates how the nerves that regulate your sweat
glands respond to stimulation. Similar to the EEG, they stuck the circles to my
bod and connected the wires. Then a small electrical current passes
through these to where they are placed, on your forearm, foot and leg, while a
computer records how your nerves and sweat glands react. This is similar to
what a bee sting feels like, only on your foot, leg, and forearm at the same
time. The result came back that the QSART responses were
reduced. This actually made sense. I rarely ever sweat and whenever
I workout with others, or trainers, they get after me saying that I am not even
sweating yet. I always responded telling them that was because I was a
lady and only glistened, not sweated. Turns out I was right; my
body does not sweat like a normal person would. Following this part of
the test, came the second part, the Tilt Table Test. This test monitors
how your blood pressure and heart rate respond to changes in posture and
position, simulating what occurs when you stand up after lying down by using a
table that lays flat and then continually tilts you vertically and monitors
your heart rate and blood pressure during this process. I will say this
was a first for me, being strapped down on my back with no control. Turns out,
there is a first for everything. Normally, your body compensates for
the drop in blood pressure that occurs when you stand up by narrowing your
blood vessels and increasing your heart rate. This response may be slowed or
abnormal if you have autonomic neuropathy.
3:00 pm - Gastroenterology Consultation
This next
appointment was the one that I was the most excited for! I was finally
going to see a new GI doctor (Gastroenterologist), and being that my previous
GI doctor was certainly not helpful, I was definitely hopeful I would have new
information and a solution. Since this first appointment was a
consultation, I figured that I would meet with her and just answer basic
questions about my symptoms and history, which I did..., at first. Well,
like everything else, there was more to it than just that for a consultation.
After an hour of shooting the shit (pun intended) about my history she
had me change into one of those fabulous gowns. When she returned to the
room, she had me lay on the table and pushed around on my stomach. The
next thing I knew, I was being asked to lay in the fetal position...that is
right, folks, I was blessed with another shocker! Let me tell you, at
some point, it stops being a shocker when you just start expecting a finger in
your bum each time. After meeting with the GI doctor, she
ordered a series of additional tests for the following week to gather
additional information and discover the problem and come up with a definite
diagnosis and treatment.
5:10 pm - MCB Laboratory Visit
After receiving a little ace
play, it was on to my final appointment, which was drawing more blood for
additional testing. After that, I made like a baby and slid out of that
biatch for the weekend. Since the Mayo Clinic does not do testing on the
weekends, the parentals and I decided to have a little National Lampoon's Vegas
Vacation style weekend and visit my little brother in Las Vegas...as well as
the Hoover Dam...and Grand Canyon...
Here is the video I promised that proves turtles can do one thing in life as quickly as men...
tosh.comedycentral.com
