After the Upper Endoscopy, I was just kind of left hanging like an 80 year old with out his Viagra. I continued to change my eating habits even more; drinking Ensure and other meal supplements, complete gluten free diet, etc. Nothing really seemed to be making a difference.
A few weeks later, my mother called me to tell me about an article she had seen in a health magazine while she was checking out at the grocery store. She explained that on the cover of the magazine it read, “SIBO,” and highlighted several gastrointestinal symptoms (abdominal bloating, distension, abdominal pain, body aches, and chronic fatigue) that were congruent with what I had been experiencing. So she bought the magazine, read the article, and called me to suggest I read about it and ask my gastroenterologist to be tested for this. After reading more about SIBO, I agreed that the symptoms appeared to be congruent with what I was experiencing.
Before I go any further, though, I will explain what SIBO is; yet another uncommon syndrome. SIBO is the acronym for Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth Syndrome; a chronic bacterial infection of the small intestine, which connects the stomach and the colon. However, the small intestine is difficult to test for problems because a colonoscopy only reaches the end of the small intestine and the endoscopy only reaches the beginning of the small intestine. Luckily, there is a non invasive test for SIBO called, Lacunose Breath Test. The Lacunose Breath Test measures the level of bacteria growing in the area of the small intestine unable to be reached by the scopes. You are required to fast the day before, like, not even allowed to chew gum. And then the day of the test, you blow in a tube every 10 minutes while a machine records your methane and other chemical levels.
That week, I called my
gastroenterologists office and left a message asking if I could be tested for
SIBO. The nurse later called me back and
the doctor approved and scheduled this test.
However, they only do this testing one time per week, on Tuesdays, and
do this in groups of three patients. The scheduling conversation with the nurse
went something like this…
Me: “Sign me up for the next available
appointment, please?!”
Nurse: “Well, we just happen to have one opening
left for this next Tuesday.”Me: “Perfect! Sign me up!”
Nurse: “Oh, wait! That’s Valentine’s Day. You probably don’t want to spend your Valentine’s Day in here completing another test/procedure, do you?”
Me: “Oh, honey! You are telling that to the one chick that does not care. I consider “blowing” on Valentine’s Day, just another train wreck day in the 365 I have a year. I prefer to really focus on Black History Month on February 14th, myself. That way I know it gets the attention it deserves.”
Nurse: …..
Me: “So am I set for February 14th, 10:00AM, ménage a troi of blowing?”
Nurse: …… “Yep, we have you down.”
Me: “See you then.”
Now, I am guessing for the average chick, they would be planning their Valentine’s Day festivities and would have had to postpone the Lactulose breath test until the following week. Not this chick! I personally believe that Valentine’s Day is a scam perpetrated by the candy and floral industrial complex. It is nothing more than complete awkwardness. People are forced to spend the day and/or evening attempting to prove how much they love and care about the other person. Meanwhile, the whole next day is being spent discussing how everyone’s Valentine’s Day was, and who is “loved” the most. It usually takes every fiber of my being to not just say, “Really? Tell me how much of an extra you are in that person’s life the other 364 days of the year.” But, I obviously refrain from being my bitchy self and instead of saying my first thought; I say my third, “Cool.” I have never actually celebrated this holiday (by choice), I guess maybe I am just not the mushy type. For example, I was dating a guy once...he showed up with a stuffed animal…and gave it to me. Needless to say, that was the last time I saw him. I broke up with him then and there. Turned out, though, my dog was pretty fond of this little stuffed animal. She now uses it as her hump toy. I will say, those Build A’ Bears are quite durable.
Anyway, I showed up at the gastroenterologists ready to blow for the next 3 hours of my Valentine’s Day. Because I am always running late, I was the third person to show up. You guys know what that means! Yep! I got to sit bitch…which means, I was blessed to sit in the middle recliner with an 85 year old male on one side and about an 85 year old female on the other side. It was just the three of us in for a long haul of three hours of blowing. However, I did notice that neither of them had on wedding rings; I kind of felt like I was raining on Cupid’s parade. I mean, I am definitely not the Valentine type, but hey, that doesn’t mean that it can’t be “magical” for others wanting to bump old uglies. And, no offense, but at that age, they are ugly. Hell, penises and vaginas are ugly no matter what age a person is – It is just the nature of the beasts.
So as we all blow, every 10 minutes, for 3 hours, I notice that my numbers are much different than theirs. I figured it probably wasn’t a bad thing, being that I was 27 and they were both 80 plus years old. There is no way I couldn’t have a healthier colon than both of them.
After the test was completed, the nurse told me she would be calling me after the doctor calculated all of the numbers and would let me know the final results. A few days later, the nurse did call to inform me that my test results came back positive for SIBO. She let me know that they would call in a couple of prescriptions for the antibiotics, Neomycin and Xifaxan, that I was to take for 10 days and then return to see the gastroenterologist for a follow-up visit.
As you can imagine, these
medications didn’t make a bit of difference.
So I basically spent my Valentines Day blowing a piece of plastic for 3
hours instead of a swollen sausage for no reason.
