I Hope My Face Is As Pleasing As My Ace Was…

The next procedure I was scheduled for was an upper endoscopy, the first week in January (2012).  Since the beginning, I had been persistent that it was my stomach that was in pain, not my ace.  I was finally going to have the endoscopy to check out my stomach, diagnose the problem, and fix it.  I was totally convinced that since it was the start of a new year, my luck was sure to change.  However, any of you that know me in person, know that I have about as much luck in life as a guy with whiskey dick pleasing a lady.  

 If you remember, two months prior, I had completed my first procedure, the Colonoscopy.  It is very uncomfortable being in a small room with several people, most of which I had never met before, and knowing that they were going to be all up in your ace.  At the time, I figured I would never see them again because it was suppose to be a wham bam thank you ma’am kind of deal.  But nope, here I was again, only this time they were going through the throat.  I am pretty sure they did not recognize my face, but luckily I had a hospital bracelet with my name on it. 

So I am in the small procedure room changing from my clothes into the usual hospital gown.  I bend over to fold my clothes and put them in the stellar bag they let you keep as a souvenir.  Then as I look up, I see the computer screen is on and there is an ace on it.  I started laughing thinking it was another persons procedure or something, then I stood up straight and  realized it was me!  I turned around, and yep, there is the long camera sitting on the counter pointed straight at me.  I tightly tied the back of my gown since they weren’t going in the “exit only” hole and laid down on the hospital bed (where a many bungholes have leaked before) and waited to get hopped up. 

After waking up from the procedure, the doctor came to inform me of the diagnostic impression: Antral gastritis (inflammation of the antral portion of the stomach), biopsy obtained; normal esophagus; normal body; normal fundus; normal duodenum.  He then provided me a prescription for Nexium, which is used to treat GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease), and scheduled an appointment to see me in 4 weeks.  Within one week of having the upper endoscopy, I was calling my gastroenterologists office complaining of severe stomach pain.  At that time he called in a prescription for Levsin, which is used to decrease the motion of the stomach and intestines and the secretion of stomach fluids, including acid.  The gastroenterologist had also received the results of the biopsy: Chronic gastritis (inflammation of the stomach lining), moderate; Negative for H. Pylori.  It makes sense that I was in a severe amount of pain, daily, since my stomach was inflamed and I was on numerous medications by this time. 

On January 31, 2012, I returned to the gastroenterologist for my follow up appointment.  I informed my doctor that I was still in sever pain and my stomach just continued to get bigger and bigger any time I ate ANYTHING!  He looked at me and asked if I was eating several small meals throughout the day.  I explained that I had been eating small meals throughout the day, but due to the increasing nausea, I had a difficult time eating.  He provided me with a packet of information on Gastroparesis, which included recommended foods to eat and avoid, and sent me on my way. 

By this point, I was really beginning to get irritated.  I felt like he was just pushing me, another patient, through like farmers herd cattle.  It was then that I started realizing that I was going to have to start researching myself to figure out what was going on. 

Turns out my research would pay off…or at least result in the most eventful Valentine’s Day of my life.

I Should Have Bought A Blacklight...

After the ultrasound, I met with the Gastroenterologist Specialist, again. I told him that I continued to look 5 or 6 months pregnant after eating pretty much everything. He suggested I complete a gastric emptying test. For those that are not familiar with this, it is a test that looks at the motility of a persons stomach.

The following week, I was scheduled to complete the gastric emptying test. By this point, I was running out of vacation days at work, and did not want to take off any more time for doctor visits or tests if I did not have to. So, I got my happy ass up and out of bed at 5:30 a.m., got ready for work, and was at the hospital to do the damn thing at 6:15 a.m. I was not 100% sure what all this test would include, but figured I didn’t have to be in Lawrence for work until  11:00 a.m., so I would be good to go if it took a few hours…and of
course, that it did.

After getting checked in, the Nuclear Medicine Technician (who looked just like Kip from Napoleon Dynamite, was about 5’2”, weighed 120lbs, and had a complete mustache) called my name to come get started. He took my blood pressure and then began to ask me the basic questions: what medications are you currently taking; is there any chance you could be pregnant; how much do you weigh; etc. When I told him my current weight, he looked at me and said, “That is your honest weight?  Because your weight is how we calculate how much radioactive chemical to use.” I looked at him and responded, “Yes, sir, that is my weight.  I have been weighed and asked if my ego is Prego 1-3 times per week for several weeks now. Plus, this is not the DMV, I have not reason to lie about my weight.” After that was settled, he went back to his
science lab and began making my breakfast of champions.

This lovely breakfast of champions consisted of one scrambled egg with mixed in radioactive chemicals and a small glass of milk. Now, anybody that knows me, knows that I have a serious issue with eating meat, eggs, and often milk. It isn’t that I do not necessarily like it, but I cannot get past the mental part of it. For example, steak.  I haven’t eaten steak since I was probably in 5th grade, which is odd considering I grew up in southwest Kansas. There is just something undesirable about eating a big slab of meat (possibly still bleeding)
from an animal that kicked it in its own shit all day. Anyways, eggs are the same way. It just mentally grosses me out to think that I am gobbling up some poor unborn chicken embryo. My boss, who is a therapist, always suggested that I could attend therapy and work through that issue. I continually informed him that the day I attend therapy to focus on my meat issues was not going to happen because I would be fine with that being my biggest obstacle in life.

Anyway, the technician brought me my breakfast and I swallowed it all down while attempting not to gag. For the next hour and a half, I sat in front of this large square x-ray machine that recorded the radioactive eggs going to through my stomach. For it to do this, I had to sit very still and not move. This test was also conducted in the basement of the hospital, which meant I didn’t have any cell phone service. So there I was, stuck watching the clock, and occasionally having the technician come in to check on me. I am not going to lie, by that time I was very bored and my mind had started wondering. All I could focus on was the technicians mustache. Every time he came into the room, it took every fiber of my being not to ask him if he had ever given a anyone a mustache ride…if you don’t know what a mustache ride is, feel free to Google it now.

After an hour and a half of sitting there and biting my tongue, I had completed that part of the test. They reviewed the test results, and shockingly, I had failed, my stomach was delayed. This meant I had to complete a second part of the Gastric Emptying test. The second part included them giving me the medication, Reglan, through an IV and then sit in front of the scanner again to make sure it pushed the radioactive eggs through my stomach. Originally, Reglan was produced and used as an anti psychotic.  However, they later discovered that this medication worked well as a motility enhancing drug. They warned me that it may make me feel a bit anxious. Well, let me tell you!  This medication was horrible. I literally sat there feeling like I was about to go crazy. All of the sudden I felt as though I need to get out of the room and be outside in the fresh air. The only reason I didn’t get up and leave in the middle of the test was because I
couldn’t figure out how to get out of the damn room I was in. By that point, I had been there almost 3 hours and wanted nothing more than to get the test over with and go to work. That should tell you how crazy this medication made me feel.

After finally completing all of the test, I was off to work. I really wanted to call in sick and go buy a blacklight to see if you could see the radioactive eggs in my body…but I decided that might not be a legit reason to call in.

The following day, the Gastroenterologist called me to let me know that my stomach was significantly delayed and that he would be calling in a medication for this. I told him immediately that I would not be able to take Reglan due to how it made me feel the day prior. He then prescribed me Erythromycin, which is actually an antibiotic, but is found to work for gastric emptying. I figured that since Gastroparesis is not too uncommon, this medication should work and I would be back in business…and just before Thanksgiving weekend.  However, most of you know that I am not quite that lucky nor do I have any
type of luck at all.

Thanksgiving weekend came and I was ready to get down with my bad self! What do I chow down on? Nothing other than my favorite food…Hot Dogs! I know, all that talk about meat and stuff, it just doesn’t’ make sense. I guess its that fact that hot dogs don’t look like a dying animal on a plate. So I eat hot dogs and other foods throughout the weekend. All the while, the medicine is not working quite like it should, which meant the hot dogs and other food were just sitting in my stomach at 98.6 degree body temperature and spoiling. By the end of the weekend, I had a high fever and severe nausea…which lead to the obvious, hurling. I tell you what…over 24 hours later and those hot dogs looked no different then when I swallowed them. They came back up being the same size, color, everything!

When I returned to Topeka, I contacted my Gastroenterologist and informed him that the medication was not helping the gastroparesis.  He then put me on the medication, Domperidone…And no, I did not mean Don Perion, the alcohol. I took the medication, Domperidone, for several weeks, but just continued to look more and more pregnant each time I ate. By this point, the stomach pain was also getting much worse. Many days I would not be able to stand up straight for quite a while because it felt as though my stomach would rip in half if I did.  After more complaining to my Gastroenterologist, he decided it was time to perform an Upper GI Endoscopy.

This would mean another day of getting hoped up…only deep throating this time.