Sorry for the delay, but shit happens...figuratively, still not literally, of course! Anyways, I AM BACK!!!

Aaannndd...I'm back!!!!!  Brace yourselves; I have to make up for lost time.

Sorry for the slight delay in my blog entries!!!  But hey, shit happens!  Well, I am speaking figuratively, not literally, of course...even from the perspective of my colon and rectum, unfortunately.  I will say that I am the only one in my family with this problem.  The rest of my siblings have bowel movements like clockwork.  Seriously!  A couple of them work together and they have an unwritten rule for bathroom slot times.  I find it disgusting, but they insist I am just jealous.

Anyways, I will get on to the point of my blog...

As I stated in my previous post, the Mayo Clinic did not conduct tests during the weekend.  To my dismay and boredom, this meant I had a "break" from all of the poking and probing.  So the parentals and I decided to use that opportunity to take a little road trip, Cornett style Vegas Vacation, to visit my little brother.  He had moved to Las Vegas just two months prior to my going to Arizona for the poking and probing.  My parents wanted to make sure he was settled in and everything was going ok.  Plus, what better place to get a break from poking and probing than Las Vegas...?!

The trip was pretty short and sweet.  Correction: the drive there and stay in Vegas were pretty short and sweet since we only had 48 hours until I had to be back to Scottsdale, AZ for more appointments.  We drove straight there Friday night and checked into the hotel.  Saturday, we went and looked at my brother's sweet pad (without furniture yet).  He is kind of a traveling gypsy.  Power to him at his age!  Then, my mother and I went shopping.  However, it took most of my effort and energy to walk from store to store, so by the time I heaved my body through each doorway there was a total lack of interest to actually buy anything.  For anyone that knows me or any female in general, that is a pretty big deal!  This tells you how much I was basically a walking zombie in my day to day life, just trying to get from Point A to Point B without my body collapsing from exhaustion and just laying where I fell until someone started trying to have their way with me.  My body always feels like it's going to just quit one day while I am trying to get my daily groove on, but I just pray it doesn't because of the embarrassment that would include.  I promised myself to give up collapsing in up public when I graduated college a few years prior.  However, even at that time, I had no idea why my body was just so tired.  Just as my mother and I were deciding to go back to the hotel so I could lie down for a bit, she mentioned we were going to a nice restaurant for dinner.  I could not even think of what clothes I had packed, due to the brain fog, and was clueless if I had appropriate attire to wear.  Again, anyone who knows me knows that if I pack to go somewhere, I not only pack clothes for all occasions, seasons, and possible holidays, but also a couple pairs of shoes for each outfit to have options, even when I am at my worst.  It makes sense, though: more shit to lug around is just the price to be paid to always look my best.  Anyways, we ran into one of the stores to grab a dress so I would know I had something to wear.  This took about 15 minutes.  Then we made like a baby and slid out of that biatch to head for the car.  When we got to the hotel, I laid in bed until about 15 minutes before we had to go to dinner.  I got up, threw on just enough makeup to make sure you could tell I had eyes, put a poof in my bangs, pulled the rest of my hair in a ponytail/bun, threw the dress on, and we were off to dinner.  After dinner, it was basically back to the hotel and bed for the rest of the night.  

If you have been paying attention, you will also notice there is no mention of a shower in this day.  This is not because I forgot it, but simply because I could not have taken one.  I am by no means a dirty person; however, the energy just was not there.  By this point I would have only been taking baths due to the fact I could not stand in a shower with the heat long enough, or keep my arms above my head to wash my hair.  My arms would become too tired and give out before I could finish.  It goes without saying there certainly wasn't much leg shaving happening.  My leg hairs are pretty sporadic (one of the better genes I inherited) and winter was just finishing up.  Be honest, ladies, most of you do not shave in the winter nearly as often unless you have to, and by "have to", I mean someone is frequenting the playground.  Ain't nobody got time for that!  At this point I was only able to take baths, which I had done the day prior since I was meeting with a gastroenterologist.  If there is one thing I have learned throughout all of this, always make sure you shower before appointments with gastroenterologists, even if it is just a check up, because you never know when you will receive the shocker!  I explain this in detail because, looking back, this is how I lived my life for several months prior to even going to the Mayo Clinic in April.  I spent every day just trying to get through the moment, and counting down the minutes until I could get home and crash/fall apart physically.  

(On the right side of my blog there is a section called "Helpful Resources".  Under that section is a link called The Spoon Theory.  Now would be a great time to read that article.  Although the diseases we have are different, the symptoms are very similar and it does a much better job describing how this process feels.)

Las Vegas

Dad ??

Brentcess (brother) & I and

Dad & Brentcess on the Palms roof.

Now, let me get back to the Cornett Style Vacation...  

My mother, father, and I decided we would take the scenic route back to Scottsdale on Sunday.  After all, I did not have any appointments until Monday.  The first stop we made was at the Hoover Dam.  I must say, this was unbelievable to see!  Mainly for two reasons: The first, it was built in 1931 and they simply did not have all of the equipment they do today to build something like that.  It is truly amazing.  The second, I am honestly shocked that they do not have kids falling into it like they fall into the giant urine soaked ball pit at McDonald's.  Seriously!  I cannot even begin to tell you how many foreign tourists were there, just letting their children hangout out on the edge of being the evening's tragic headline.  One child was literally grabbed by a stranger before he tipped over the edge of the dam wall while his parents were blissfully distracted having other tourists take their picture.  Talk about a photo bomb!  Shit!!!  And no, Asians, it was not just you guys.  I do not have kids so I have no experience with this, but I am not a big fan of seeing kids on a leash.  However, there should be signs at the Hoover Dam that say "Must Have Kids on a Leash", and they should sell those in the gift shop or outside in vending machines.  

Now, I know that I have people who read this blog from other countries, and I can assure you, these foreigners were not from your country.  I am by no means attempting to offend you.  After witnessing this pulse raising shit show, and realizing the gift shop does not really sell the "I went to the Hoover Dam and all I got was this Dam t-shirt" shirts, we decided to roll out to the Grand Canyon.  I mean, what better time to HIKE it up to the scenic views, right?  I am still not too sure how I made it to the actual cliff to see down in the canyon, but I did.  Let me tell you, it was totally amazing!  A must see if you have not done so already.  Below is a photo album from the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon.

Hoover Dam

               
                  

Grand Canyon

      

After the Grand Canyon, it was time to begin creeping back home.  Literally, this part of the trip could not have taken any longer.  I do not know if I mentioned this in my previous posts, but my parents had both gotten the iPhone 4S a few months before we went on this little vacation to Arizona.  This is kind of a big deal!  I am pretty sure before that my dad still had a bag phone in his pickup.  It is like he time traveled from 1980 to 2012.  The only drawback of this...neither of them really knew what they were doing with the phones.  I had been trying to help them by showing them different things they could do throughout the trip.  For example: When we first boarded the plane in Garden City, I was showing my dad how he can switch his volume off and to vibrate just by the little switch on the side and then how to change his ringtones so he can distinguish the difference from email and text.  Well, I will be damned if he did not decide that the flight would be the perfect time to listen to each type of ringtone option for each setting on his phone...with the volume all the way up.  I attempted to tell him that the other passengers probably did not really want to listen to all that jazz right then, but he was on a mission and did not really care if it disturbed the others or not.  This moment set the tone for the whole trip.  

I will return focus back to leaving the Grand Canyon.  I had been reading off directions to my parents using the GPS on my iPhone, even though I had taught them both how to use it over the weekend so I could sleep instead.  Makes sense, right?  Ye-ah.  It does...unless your father's mental GPS believes itself to be more accurate than the iPhone GPS.  That is right, folks.  By the time we made it to Scottsdale, it had taken us two hours longer than it should have.  However, I consider myself lucky to have those two extra hours of quality bonding time with the parentals.  The only reason it did not take longer is because every time he began to question the GPS and suggest alternate directions that would be "faster", my mother and I would begin to argue with him and eventually he got more tired of listening to us complain than listening to Siri give him GPS directions.  Eventually we made it back to the hotel in Scottsdale shortly before midnight.

Early the following morning I was scheduled to resume the appointments of poking, probing, and blowing for another week.  Only difference was that this next procedure, Monday morning, included a little sedation.  It definitely reminded me why my motto in life is "Hugs Not Drugs"!  Well, if I gave hugs it would be.  But.  I like my personal space!  

  

This week of my life was as fast paced as a turtle...But, I did find one thing turtles can do in life as quickly as men.

*This blog entry moves about as fast as a turtle.  It is not quite as entertaining as the others.  However, if you browse through these short paragraphs, I have included a video at the end that shows the one thing in life that turtles actually do as fast as men.*    

April 11, 2012 (Wednesday)

10:50 am - MCB Laboratory

The following day, I arrived to the clinic bright and early to produce a cup of my golden flow.  I will be honest, this was the one time I wish I was a male with two heads and one brain.  It is seriously next to impossible for females to produce a golden flow into a small cup and have it land only in the cup.  I mean, look at guys; they have a giant bowl to aim in with a small stream and still miss.  Imagine being a female and having it is the complete opposite.  **Random helpful hint to the ladies - If you are ever stranded in the woods, or intoxicated and need to "pop a squat", if you bend over and touch your toes, your urine will shoot straight back and the process will be as smooth as a Brazilian wax.  After I managed to produce my golden flow without getting any on my hands (no, I did not bend over and touch my toes, obviously), they drew more blood from my arms, and then it was off to the next test.



12:15 pm - Cardiology Electrocardiogram

The next procedure that was scheduled was a Cardiology Electrocardiogram.  This test was scheduled because of the chest pain I had reported having for several months prior to being admitted to the Mayo Clinic.  I had been told by other physicians that it was just anxiety.  However, I knew this was not anxiety because I had experienced anxiety my entire life, and this was far from the same.  So the first thing I did was change into one of their hot fancy gowns and began to walk down the hall to the room where the procedure took place.  I laid on the table and starred at the ceiling while the lady completing the procedure played connect the dots as she stuck the chest leads on my chest and then attached the cables.  It was dead silent this time - it just did not seem right to discuss strippers or any other topic for that matter.  Once I was hooked up correctly, the machine recorded the electrical activity of my heart and the procedure was over faster than a forty year old losing his virginity to one of Hugh Hefner's girlfriends.  Later that day the nurse did call stating that the results came back with Non Specific Electrical Changes, and that I would need to pick up a new itinerary with additional tests added to my schedule to follow up on this.

2:00 pm - Pulmonary Procedure - Nitric Oxide

During the initial physical, I reported a history of asthma since I was very young, and had begun having difficulty with it again that past winter.  This procedure was to test if my airways were inflamed which is a sign of asthma.  Let me tell you...this procedure totally blew, literally.  I was stuck in this little plastic cylinder blowing another tube as hard as I could for as long as the technician told me to.  The entire time, I was longing for the day, February 14th, which I was in between the elderly couple while we were all blowing.  On the plus side, I can say with all my practice over the past year, my blowing skills are certainly superb!

3:20 pm - Radiology Chest X-ray

I honestly do not even remember this appointment   However, in the report I received from the Clinic, it reported that my lungs were clear and there were no significant abnormalities.  Moving on...

April 12, 2012 (Thursday)

2:00 pm - EEG (Electroencephalogram)

One of the symptoms I had been experiencing throughout all of this is the feeling similar to a seizure.  Although my body did not appear to move externally, it felt as though every vein and part of my body internally was seizing.  Even my eyes would begin to feel as though they were shaking and I would be unable to visually focus on objects or my surroundings in general.  The preparation for this test was not fun.  I could not sleep more than 4 hours the night before, and my appointment was not until 2:00 that afternoon.  Normally, I would have been able to handle this; however, I had already hit a level of exhaustion that did not even compare to mono or anything else I have experienced.  So when I showed up for the appointment, they glued all of those little circles to my head and connected the wires to them.  Then I just had to sit there for a couple of hours, part of the time awake and then asleep.  The most annoying part of the entire test was taking the circles off of my scalp and trying to get the glue off.  I felt like the technician was searching for lice.  That glue is hard to get off of your scalp and out of your hair...especially when you were born with a natural afro.  The result of the EEG was normal with no epileptic activity seen.

April 13, 2012 (Friday)

10:00 am - Neurology Procedure -- ARS (Autonomic Reflex Study)

This test took several hours.  However, at this point I was so exhausted that I did not much care.  I was more than willing to lay on the bed/table and let them have their way with me, which is what they had to do.  The first part of this test is what is called the, Quantitative Sudomotor Axon Reflex Test (QSART). This test evaluates how the nerves that regulate your sweat glands respond to stimulation. Similar to the EEG, they stuck the circles to my bod and connected the wires.  Then a small electrical current passes through these to where they are placed, on your forearm, foot and leg, while a computer records how your nerves and sweat glands react. This is similar to what a bee sting feels like, only on your foot, leg, and forearm at the same time.  The result came back that the QSART responses were reduced.  This actually made sense.  I rarely ever sweat and whenever I workout with others, or trainers, they get after me saying that I am not even sweating yet.  I always responded telling them that was because I was a lady and only glistened, not sweated.  Turns out I was right; my body does not sweat like a normal person would.  Following this part of the test, came the second part, the Tilt Table Test.  This test monitors how your blood pressure and heart rate respond to changes in posture and position, simulating what occurs when you stand up after lying down by using a table that lays flat and then continually tilts you vertically and monitors your heart rate and blood pressure during this process.  I will say this was a first for me, being strapped down on my back with no control. Turns out, there is a first for everything.  Normally, your body compensates for the drop in blood pressure that occurs when you stand up by narrowing your blood vessels and increasing your heart rate. This response may be slowed or abnormal if you have autonomic neuropathy.  

3:00 pm - Gastroenterology Consultation

This next appointment was the one that I was the most excited for!  I was finally going to see a new GI doctor (Gastroenterologist), and being that my previous GI doctor was certainly not helpful, I was definitely hopeful I would have new information and a solution.  Since this first appointment was a consultation, I figured that I would meet with her and just answer basic questions about my symptoms and history, which I did..., at first.  Well, like everything else, there was more to it than just that for a consultation.  After an hour of shooting the shit (pun intended) about my history she had me change into one of those fabulous gowns.  When she returned to the room, she had me lay on the table and pushed around on my stomach.  The next thing I knew, I was being asked to lay in the fetal position...that is right, folks, I was blessed with another shocker!  Let me tell you, at some point, it stops being a shocker when you just start expecting a finger in your bum each time.  After meeting with the GI doctor, she ordered a series of additional tests for the following week to gather additional information and discover the problem and come up with a definite diagnosis and treatment.

5:10 pm - MCB Laboratory Visit

After receiving a little ace play, it was on to my final appointment, which was drawing more blood for additional testing.  After that, I made like a baby and slid out of that biatch for the weekend.  Since the Mayo Clinic does not do testing on the weekends, the parentals and I decided to have a little National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation style weekend and visit my little brother in Las Vegas...as well as the Hoover Dam...and Grand Canyon...

Here is the video I promised that proves turtles can do one thing in life as quickly as men...

tosh.comedycentral.com

Lions, And Tigers, And Bears, Oh My...More Like - Monkeys, And Strippers, And Thongs...Oh My!

***Prior to reading the next several blog entries - Please note that I am in no way discrediting any doctors or medical facilities.  As I have said before, they were a tremendous amount of help and made the entire process as comfortable as it could be, given the circumstances.  These blogs are about finding humor in my struggle with a chronic illness.***

My parents had been suggesting I make an appointment with the Mayo Clinic for several weeks by this time. I kept telling them that I would make an appointment if the next test did not answer the problem. After my Internal Medicine doctor suggested it as well, I finally made the phone call to the Mayo Clinic. I honestly thought it would take a few months to get into the clinic and would have this figured out by then and not actually end up going. However, luckily for me, they had an opening in just under three weeks. I kept thinking of all of the ways I could back out of this appointment, but once my parents bought a one way ticket to Scottsdale, Arizona, for the three of us, I knew there was no getting out of it.

I was looking forward to the warm weather in Phoenix, because in Kansas at the beginning of April, it was still very cold. At the same time, I was terrified to go. I had no idea what to expect. I was also afraid of the two different outcomes of going: 1. I feared the doctors at the Mayo Clinic would also say it was all just depression (which I knew it was not) and my parents would have spent all of the money funding this trip for no reason; 2. They would discover what illness I had, and I was not too sure I wanted to know at that point what it was or how serious it could be. 

Before I knew it, I was on a plane headed to Scottsdale for a little spring break vacation.  Little did I know, this vacation was going to be much more eventful than any of my spring break trips in college.  And by the end, MTV's Spring Break would not even compare to my trip.

I arrived for my Consultative Medicine Evaluation on a Wednesday April 11, 2012 at 9:20a.m.  I had absolutely no idea what to expect, which I now know was for the best because looking back, the whole process seemed equivalent to being a monkey and having the other monkeys pick the bugs and shit off of you while you just sit there in shame. 



I was in my first appointment, and the doctor walked out of the room so I could change into one of those hot fancy gowns that opens in the back to bare all.  When I was changing, I suddenly realized, "Oh shit!  I wore a thong!  What was I thinking?  Stupid.  Stupid.  Stupid.  This gown opens in the back and the female doctor is going to see my ace!"  Ye-ah!  That is how much I did not know what to expect during this whole experience...that was my biggest worry on the first day.  Little did I know, the female doctor seeing me in a thong would be feel as conservative as wearing a turtle neck to the pool, compared to what would be coming during my two week stint there.



After having this bod looked over thoroughly and answering all of the doctors questions about my physical, social, mental, family history etc. - and all the other personal dirt you guys do not get to know about me in this blog, I had made it through the first appointment.  BUT, I had four more that day.

The next one was a Laboratory visit.  Apparently I was still a little nervous about the whole process...  A gentleman called my name and I went back to the draw station so he could start digging for a vein.  He noticed a small tattoo I have on my inner wrist and asked me what it said.  My instant response, "It says 'Serenity' but no, that is not my stripper name."  He looked at me funny and just started laughing.  I then had to explain that when my cousin saw the tattoo he instantly asked if that was my stripper name, just to be a pain in the ass.  We then spent the next 10 to 15 minutes discussing how much strippers in Alaska make during a fishing competition.  Turns out they can make enough money in two months to support themselves for the rest of the year.  I am guessing those are similar to the strippers in Las Vegas, though.  They are basically gymnasts, or some may even say athletes.

Since I had over a dozen procedures performed in two weeks, I will be compiling them into a few blog entries that will cover my two week ordeal in Scottsdale, AZ in a timely fashion.  One of them is so unbelievable, I am thinking I will actually be making a video blog instead.  I just do not see it possible to put the procedure into written words.

Personalized Yearly Christmas Bragging Card...Tis The Season

So every year, I plan to send Christmas cards to family, friends, acquaintances, and those people I do not really care for, but feel obligated to send a card to. I have bought cards every year for the last several years, but never actually opened the box and filled any of them out. I knew this year would be the year I would get it done AND even make it a little more personal. You know the Christmas letters families send talking about all of the fabulous accomplishments their children have had over the past year, in hopes of outdoing all of their family and  friends? Well, I decided I would just make one of those personalized letters of my own to send this year.

However, I didn't manage to get it done in time, so I figured I would make sure and get it sent out in time for New Years. Well, as you read this, I am sure you realize it is now January 9, 2013. However, that just proves the year 2012 was so badass (sure, pun intended) that it took 9 extra days to get it all on one page.

Since I have never written a personalized Christmas letter, I did a little research on how these things go. And by 'research' - I mean that I Googled the shit out of it. Basically, the only helpful thing I found were some rules to follow: Be Creative; Make It Colorful; Be Yourself. Those rules just opened up so many orifices.

Happy Holidays! Seasons Greetings! Merry Christmas from Rebecca, Kip (the pussy), and Dolly (the bitch) Cornett! It has been a very busy year for all of us with many events and unforeseen lifestyle changes. So busy in fact, it seems as though most of the past year has just been one scheduled even after another.

The last several years of dedicating my life to my career, finally paid off, I was able to go into early retirement. I thought this meant my life would become more relaxing, but much to my surprise, the calendar in my iPhone just blew up with fun scheduled activities. Most of these "scheduled activities" were with doctors, some quite nice on the eyes and some just total pervs. Mom and Dad sure seemed proud that I had upped my standards, that's for sure.

My first rendezvous was to Scottsdale, Arizona. I had always heard it was quite a lovely place and decided to buy a one way ticket there for vacation. Let me tell you, that was quite the vacation full of shenanigans. I participated in activities that made a colonoscopy seem as normal as brushing your teeth.  But, hey, my birthday fell in that couple of weeks, so it was totally deserved.

Eventually, I got very tired, as anyone would, and bought a plane ticket back home to northeast Kansas.  It was at that time I decided to move home closer to my family since I was able to retire early and all.  I packed  my belongings, grabbed Kip, my pussy (cat), and Dolly, my bitch (dog), and we headed out for southwest Kansas.

We settled in a pretty sweet pad on the golf course where we spent the remainder of the summer and early fall watching the golfers search for their balls.  Their balls were usually hanging a little ways back in the prickly rough...kind of like mens cojones.  So the three of us were pretty much just living the life and kicking it.  The parentals came out to visit a few times and really enjoyed the peacefulness as well.  Then...I will be damned...one day their bed had been moved into my sweet pad.  It was not long until I had to set down some ground rules for this little roommate situation. 

Since moving to southwest Kansas, I have also been volunteering.  When I am able to, I help resuce animals through the humane society.  Basically,  that means that I attempt to emotionally blackmail and manipulate my friends into adopting dogs and/or cats prior to them being euthanized.  So far, I have found one sucker.  However, I do also help foster these animals until they are able to go to resuces.  Another volunteer experience I have had a great opportunity to have is working with a few individuals in the slammer.  Not only was I able to hangout with the people in the slammer, I was able to go through the entire process of being handcuffed, frisked, finger printed, mug shot, etc.  The handcuffing and frisking wasn't quite like one would hope.  Totally not all it is cracked up to be.

What can I say, I am a giver, all around. 

The Day I Finally Grew A Pair Of Cojones...

So after the eventful Valentine's Day that consisted of a three hour blow job - I completed the 10 day prescription of antibiotics to treat the bacterial overgrowth in my Duodenum.  As you can probably guess, there were no changes in any of my symptoms: severe stomach pain; bloating; harden abdomen; extreme exhaustion.  I called my Gastroenterologist and informed him that I had not felt any change since completing the medication.  He suggested I come in and see him for a follow up office visit. 

The following week I am meet with my Gastroenterologist.  I explain all of my symptoms again, emphasizing how even eating half of a sandwich results in looking as though I am 9 months pregnant.  Instantly, I could tell by the look on his face that he thought I was being dramatic and exaggerating.  He then looked at me and asked if I had ever had a colonoscopy.  My jaw dropped.  I looked at him and replied, "Yes, about three months ago."  He then asked, "Who did your colonoscopy?"  I looked at him in disbelief and replied, "You, did!"  Now, I have chosen to believe that he knew damn well he had already performed a colonoscopy on me, however, enjoyed my young firm ace so much he wanted a second chance at it.

After we both realized I had just been another patient being herd through like cattle for the last 6 months, and he had no idea what was causing these health issues, he went with his last resort to avoid saying he did not know what was going on.  Guess what his final response at that appointment was..."Well, I think this is all being caused by depression.  I think it is best if you return to your primary doctor and have him provide you with a prescription for anti depressants."

It was right then that I came to believe that just because I have a vagina and men have balls, DID NOT mean that I do not have bigger balls than they do!  I looked at him and responded, "So, basically, because I have spent the last 6 months having procedures performed, blood work done, waiting biopsy results, almost weekly, and you cannot figure out the problem, but unable to say that, so I am just depressed?"

 And that would be the last time that I would visit that Gastroenterologist.  

I returned to my Internal Medicine doctor and informed him of the ongoing problems I had been having, and lack of help the Gastroenterologist had been.  My internal medicine doctor (who was a blessing at the time), had me tested for Celiac Disease and Addison's Disease, both of which resulted in negative.  He was becoming baffled himself.  Only, he was definitely not afraid to say so, especially after seeing me gain 10 pounds in less than a week and the severe bloating.  

Now, naturally, I would never ever post a picture of myself that is actually fair game for a male to ask when my due date is.  However, in an effort to show how much I am not exaggerating, I decided to take one for the team and post a picture that shows just how distended my stomach becomes when I eat a "normal" meal.  And by normal, I mean a cheese enchilada or grilled cheese, something without all of the extra sides.  And as much as I want to Instagram the shit out of these photos, that would obviously defeat the purpose.  But do not let these pictures be a turnoff boys...I am completely content living off of liquids the rest of my life to keep a natural non baby making hot bod if need be.  At this point, food is no longer appealing to me anyway. 

It is easier to list the foods that I am UNABLE to eat and let you figure out what is left:

• Oats
• Wheat
• Seeds of any kind.
• Nuts
• Red Meat
• Processed food, obviously
• Fruits or vegetables with seeds
• Any seedless fruits or vegetables have to have the skin peeled off and be fully cooked prior to eating.

BEFORE EATING          AFTER EATING

It was after this my doctor decided that it was time to go to the Mayo Clinic where more testing was available.  And let me tell you...if you thought my previous procedures were interesting and intrusive, they do not even to begin to describe the two weeks of action I would receive!  But hey, my birthday was during those two weeks, so it was only fair to get some sort of action...

The Most Eventful Valentine’s Day of My Life…

 
After the Upper Endoscopy, I was just kind of left hanging like an 80 year old with out his Viagra.  I continued to change my eating habits even more; drinking Ensure and other meal supplements, complete gluten free diet, etc.  Nothing really seemed to be making a difference.

A few weeks later, my mother called me to tell me about an article she had seen in a health magazine while she was checking out at the grocery store.  She explained that on the cover of the magazine it read, “SIBO,” and highlighted several gastrointestinal symptoms (abdominal bloating, distension, abdominal pain, body aches, and chronic fatigue) that were congruent with what I had been experiencing.  So she bought the magazine, read the article, and called me to suggest I read about it and ask my gastroenterologist to be tested for this.  After reading more about SIBO, I agreed that the symptoms appeared to be congruent with what I was experiencing.

Before I go any further, though, I will explain what SIBO is; yet another uncommon syndrome.  SIBO is the acronym for Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth Syndrome; a chronic bacterial infection of the small intestine, which connects the stomach and the colon.  However, the small intestine is difficult to test for problems because a colonoscopy only reaches the end of the small intestine and the endoscopy only reaches the beginning of the small intestine.  Luckily, there is a non invasive test for SIBO called, Lacunose Breath Test.  The Lacunose Breath Test measures the level of bacteria growing in the area of the small intestine unable to be reached by the scopes.  You are required to fast the day before, like, not even allowed to chew gum.  And then the day of the test, you blow in a tube every 10 minutes while a machine records your methane and other chemical levels.

 

That week, I called my gastroenterologists office and left a message asking if I could be tested for SIBO.  The nurse later called me back and the doctor approved and scheduled this test.  However, they only do this testing one time per week, on Tuesdays, and do this in groups of three patients. The scheduling conversation with the nurse went something like this…

 

Me:  “Sign me up for the next available appointment, please?!”

Nurse:  “Well, we just happen to have one opening left for this next Tuesday.”
Me:  “Perfect!  Sign me up!”
Nurse:  “Oh, wait!  That’s Valentine’s Day.  You probably don’t want to spend your Valentine’s Day in here completing another test/procedure, do you?”
Me:  “Oh, honey!  You are telling that to the one chick that does not care.  I consider “blowing” on Valentine’s Day, just another train wreck day in the 365 I have a year.  I prefer to really focus on Black History Month on February 14^th, myself.  That way I know it gets the attention it deserves.”
Nurse: …..
Me:  “So am I set for February 14^th, 10:00AM, ménage a troi of blowing?”
Nurse:    ……  “Yep, we have you down.”
Me:  “See you then.”

Now, I am guessing for the average chick, they would be planning their Valentine’s Day festivities and would have had to postpone the Lactulose breath test until the following week.  Not this chick!  I personally believe that Valentine’s Day is a scam perpetrated by the candy and floral industrial complex.  It is nothing more than complete awkwardness.  People are forced to spend the day and/or evening attempting to prove how much they love and care about the other person.  Meanwhile, the whole next day is being spent discussing how everyone’s Valentine’s Day was, and who is “loved” the most.  It usually takes every fiber of my being to not just say, “Really?  Tell me how much of an extra you are in that person’s life the other 364 days of the year.”  But, I obviously refrain from being my bitchy self and instead of saying my first thought; I say my third, “Cool.”  I have never actually celebrated this holiday (by choice), I guess maybe I am just not the mushy type.  For example, I was dating a guy once...he showed up with a stuffed animal…and gave it to me.  Needless to say, that was the last time I saw him.  I broke up with him then and there.  Turned out, though, my dog was pretty fond of this little stuffed animal.  She now uses it as her hump toy.  I will say, those Build A’ Bears are quite durable.

 

Anyway, I showed up at the gastroenterologists ready to blow for the next 3 hours of my Valentine’s Day.  Because I am always running late, I was the third person to show up.  You guys know what that means!  Yep!  I got to sit bitch…which means, I was blessed to sit in the middle recliner with an 85 year old male on one side and about an 85 year old female on the other side.  It was just the three of us in for a long haul of three hours of blowing.  However, I did notice that neither of them had on wedding rings; I kind of felt like I was raining on Cupid’s parade.  I mean, I am definitely not the Valentine type, but hey, that doesn’t mean that it can’t be “magical” for others wanting to bump old uglies.  And, no offense, but at that age, they are ugly.  Hell, penises and vaginas are ugly no matter what age a person is – It is just the nature of the beasts.

 

So as we all blow, every 10 minutes, for 3 hours, I notice that my numbers are much different than theirs.  I figured it probably wasn’t a bad thing, being that I was 27 and they were both 80 plus years old.  There is no way I couldn’t have a healthier colon than both of them. 

After the test was completed, the nurse told me she would be calling me after the doctor calculated all of the numbers and would let me know the final results.  A few days later, the nurse did call to inform me that my test results came back positive for SIBO.  She let me know that they would call in a couple of prescriptions for the antibiotics, Neomycin and Xifaxan, that I was to take for 10 days and then return to see the gastroenterologist for a follow-up visit.

As you can imagine, these medications didn’t make a bit of difference.  So I basically spent my Valentines Day blowing a piece of plastic for 3 hours instead of a swollen sausage for no reason.

I Hope My Face Is As Pleasing As My Ace Was…

The next procedure I was scheduled for was an upper endoscopy, the first week in January (2012).  Since the beginning, I had been persistent that it was my stomach that was in pain, not my ace.  I was finally going to have the endoscopy to check out my stomach, diagnose the problem, and fix it.  I was totally convinced that since it was the start of a new year, my luck was sure to change.  However, any of you that know me in person, know that I have about as much luck in life as a guy with whiskey dick pleasing a lady.  

 If you remember, two months prior, I had completed my first procedure, the Colonoscopy.  It is very uncomfortable being in a small room with several people, most of which I had never met before, and knowing that they were going to be all up in your ace.  At the time, I figured I would never see them again because it was suppose to be a wham bam thank you ma’am kind of deal.  But nope, here I was again, only this time they were going through the throat.  I am pretty sure they did not recognize my face, but luckily I had a hospital bracelet with my name on it. 

So I am in the small procedure room changing from my clothes into the usual hospital gown.  I bend over to fold my clothes and put them in the stellar bag they let you keep as a souvenir.  Then as I look up, I see the computer screen is on and there is an ace on it.  I started laughing thinking it was another persons procedure or something, then I stood up straight and  realized it was me!  I turned around, and yep, there is the long camera sitting on the counter pointed straight at me.  I tightly tied the back of my gown since they weren’t going in the “exit only” hole and laid down on the hospital bed (where a many bungholes have leaked before) and waited to get hopped up. 

After waking up from the procedure, the doctor came to inform me of the diagnostic impression: Antral gastritis (inflammation of the antral portion of the stomach), biopsy obtained; normal esophagus; normal body; normal fundus; normal duodenum.  He then provided me a prescription for Nexium, which is used to treat GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease), and scheduled an appointment to see me in 4 weeks.  Within one week of having the upper endoscopy, I was calling my gastroenterologists office complaining of severe stomach pain.  At that time he called in a prescription for Levsin, which is used to decrease the motion of the stomach and intestines and the secretion of stomach fluids, including acid.  The gastroenterologist had also received the results of the biopsy: Chronic gastritis (inflammation of the stomach lining), moderate; Negative for H. Pylori.  It makes sense that I was in a severe amount of pain, daily, since my stomach was inflamed and I was on numerous medications by this time. 

On January 31, 2012, I returned to the gastroenterologist for my follow up appointment.  I informed my doctor that I was still in sever pain and my stomach just continued to get bigger and bigger any time I ate ANYTHING!  He looked at me and asked if I was eating several small meals throughout the day.  I explained that I had been eating small meals throughout the day, but due to the increasing nausea, I had a difficult time eating.  He provided me with a packet of information on Gastroparesis, which included recommended foods to eat and avoid, and sent me on my way. 

By this point, I was really beginning to get irritated.  I felt like he was just pushing me, another patient, through like farmers herd cattle.  It was then that I started realizing that I was going to have to start researching myself to figure out what was going on. 

Turns out my research would pay off…or at least result in the most eventful Valentine’s Day of my life.

I Should Have Bought A Blacklight...

After the ultrasound, I met with the Gastroenterologist Specialist, again. I told him that I continued to look 5 or 6 months pregnant after eating pretty much everything. He suggested I complete a gastric emptying test. For those that are not familiar with this, it is a test that looks at the motility of a persons stomach.

The following week, I was scheduled to complete the gastric emptying test. By this point, I was running out of vacation days at work, and did not want to take off any more time for doctor visits or tests if I did not have to. So, I got my happy ass up and out of bed at 5:30 a.m., got ready for work, and was at the hospital to do the damn thing at 6:15 a.m. I was not 100% sure what all this test would include, but figured I didn’t have to be in Lawrence for work until  11:00 a.m., so I would be good to go if it took a few hours…and of
course, that it did.

After getting checked in, the Nuclear Medicine Technician (who looked just like Kip from Napoleon Dynamite, was about 5’2”, weighed 120lbs, and had a complete mustache) called my name to come get started. He took my blood pressure and then began to ask me the basic questions: what medications are you currently taking; is there any chance you could be pregnant; how much do you weigh; etc. When I told him my current weight, he looked at me and said, “That is your honest weight?  Because your weight is how we calculate how much radioactive chemical to use.” I looked at him and responded, “Yes, sir, that is my weight.  I have been weighed and asked if my ego is Prego 1-3 times per week for several weeks now. Plus, this is not the DMV, I have not reason to lie about my weight.” After that was settled, he went back to his
science lab and began making my breakfast of champions.

This lovely breakfast of champions consisted of one scrambled egg with mixed in radioactive chemicals and a small glass of milk. Now, anybody that knows me, knows that I have a serious issue with eating meat, eggs, and often milk. It isn’t that I do not necessarily like it, but I cannot get past the mental part of it. For example, steak.  I haven’t eaten steak since I was probably in 5th grade, which is odd considering I grew up in southwest Kansas. There is just something undesirable about eating a big slab of meat (possibly still bleeding)
from an animal that kicked it in its own shit all day. Anyways, eggs are the same way. It just mentally grosses me out to think that I am gobbling up some poor unborn chicken embryo. My boss, who is a therapist, always suggested that I could attend therapy and work through that issue. I continually informed him that the day I attend therapy to focus on my meat issues was not going to happen because I would be fine with that being my biggest obstacle in life.

Anyway, the technician brought me my breakfast and I swallowed it all down while attempting not to gag. For the next hour and a half, I sat in front of this large square x-ray machine that recorded the radioactive eggs going to through my stomach. For it to do this, I had to sit very still and not move. This test was also conducted in the basement of the hospital, which meant I didn’t have any cell phone service. So there I was, stuck watching the clock, and occasionally having the technician come in to check on me. I am not going to lie, by that time I was very bored and my mind had started wondering. All I could focus on was the technicians mustache. Every time he came into the room, it took every fiber of my being not to ask him if he had ever given a anyone a mustache ride…if you don’t know what a mustache ride is, feel free to Google it now.

After an hour and a half of sitting there and biting my tongue, I had completed that part of the test. They reviewed the test results, and shockingly, I had failed, my stomach was delayed. This meant I had to complete a second part of the Gastric Emptying test. The second part included them giving me the medication, Reglan, through an IV and then sit in front of the scanner again to make sure it pushed the radioactive eggs through my stomach. Originally, Reglan was produced and used as an anti psychotic.  However, they later discovered that this medication worked well as a motility enhancing drug. They warned me that it may make me feel a bit anxious. Well, let me tell you!  This medication was horrible. I literally sat there feeling like I was about to go crazy. All of the sudden I felt as though I need to get out of the room and be outside in the fresh air. The only reason I didn’t get up and leave in the middle of the test was because I
couldn’t figure out how to get out of the damn room I was in. By that point, I had been there almost 3 hours and wanted nothing more than to get the test over with and go to work. That should tell you how crazy this medication made me feel.

After finally completing all of the test, I was off to work. I really wanted to call in sick and go buy a blacklight to see if you could see the radioactive eggs in my body…but I decided that might not be a legit reason to call in.

The following day, the Gastroenterologist called me to let me know that my stomach was significantly delayed and that he would be calling in a medication for this. I told him immediately that I would not be able to take Reglan due to how it made me feel the day prior. He then prescribed me Erythromycin, which is actually an antibiotic, but is found to work for gastric emptying. I figured that since Gastroparesis is not too uncommon, this medication should work and I would be back in business…and just before Thanksgiving weekend.  However, most of you know that I am not quite that lucky nor do I have any
type of luck at all.

Thanksgiving weekend came and I was ready to get down with my bad self! What do I chow down on? Nothing other than my favorite food…Hot Dogs! I know, all that talk about meat and stuff, it just doesn’t’ make sense. I guess its that fact that hot dogs don’t look like a dying animal on a plate. So I eat hot dogs and other foods throughout the weekend. All the while, the medicine is not working quite like it should, which meant the hot dogs and other food were just sitting in my stomach at 98.6 degree body temperature and spoiling. By the end of the weekend, I had a high fever and severe nausea…which lead to the obvious, hurling. I tell you what…over 24 hours later and those hot dogs looked no different then when I swallowed them. They came back up being the same size, color, everything!

When I returned to Topeka, I contacted my Gastroenterologist and informed him that the medication was not helping the gastroparesis.  He then put me on the medication, Domperidone…And no, I did not mean Don Perion, the alcohol. I took the medication, Domperidone, for several weeks, but just continued to look more and more pregnant each time I ate. By this point, the stomach pain was also getting much worse. Many days I would not be able to stand up straight for quite a while because it felt as though my stomach would rip in half if I did.  After more complaining to my Gastroenterologist, he decided it was time to perform an Upper GI Endoscopy.

This would mean another day of getting hoped up…only deep throating this time.

***Huge Helpful Tip***

Normally I write all of my little 'Helpful Hints' on the left margin of my blog, however, I believe this one is extremely important!  So I have decided to briefly interrupt my medical stories, but will resume them tomorrow.

One of the most important things a person with POTS can do is consume a large amount of sodium.  This helps the blood vessels expand and allows the blood to flow throughout the body easier.  Now, when I say a large amount of sodium, I’m talking 3 to 5 grams per day.  That is a lot of salt!!!  For example, one package of ramen noodles has about 1,300mg of sodium.  The salt tablets I suck on have about 150mg.  My point is that it is difficult to consume that much sodium and stay hydrated at the same time.  As a result of that I have been getting IV fluids weekly for a while now.  And being that I have these awesome veins that work like an old flat empty garden hose, it makes this process quite a hassle – being stuck 3 or 4 times to find a vein…each week…that adds up over time.  My arms were pretty much starting to look like I had been shooting up heroin.  Not to mention the process last 4 to 6 hours by the time I’m done getting the two liters. 

Well, the other day, I remembered that a friend use to talk about drinking her electrolytes while she was doing track at Kansas University.  I called her to find out exactly what those electrolytes were.  Turns out, there electrolytes made by Gatorade.  The actual name is, G Series Pro Gatrolytes Electrolyte Mix.  Each packet contains 780mg of Sodium and 400mg of Potassium.  I had been drinking a lot of G2 since it is high in sodium and has fewer calories, but it also was causing cavities, which my dentist wasn’t too stoked about.  So I took this packet of Gatorlytes in to my doctor and asked him what he thought about them.  He pulled out his calculator and then told me that if I mix 4 packets with one liter of water it would be the equivalent to one liter of fluids I was receiving at the hospital.  The idea alone made me completely ecstatic.  I thought if it really works there would be no more digging on my arms each week, no more bruises, no more sitting in the hospital every week.  The next morning I tried it.  Let me tell you – it works!!!  I have been drinking these Gatorlytes for almost two weeks now and haven’t had to get IV fluids once during this time.  AND, I was able to cancel the surgery to have a port put in on the 14^th of this month!

The one difficult thing about this product is that they are actually made for elite athletes, so they aren’t sold in too many stores.  I have found it easiest to order them off Amazon or the Gatorade website.

For those booze hounds that read my blog, I know there are just a few; this actually is the perfect hangover cure.  Of course, you wouldn’t need four packets - just the one.  However, it’s always better to just say no to drugs and alcohol to begin with.  You booze you lose, kids. 

G Series Pro 02 Electrolyte Mix Gatorlytes

***The information included on this site is for educational purposes only. It is not intended nor implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice. The reader should always consult his or her healthcare provider to determine the appropriateness of the information for their own situation or if they have any questions regarding a medical condition or treatment.***